Chloe Harwood
British songwriter/singer, Thou she be but small, she is fierce.Imagine if you lived your life like your SIMS character,my life would be so much more productive.Mine used to hold down a job, cook dinner,clean up,go to the gym and manage to find her soulmate in 24 hours.Why can’t i do that?
I’m having a good day, got a test back and got 60% which doesn’t sound amazing but i was happy, even the little accomplishes count.
I’m trying to eat better and it’s tricky but it’ll be worth it.
I wore my sparkly pink high tops today and it made my day even better paha i think they’ve got superpowers. Lewis picked me up and tried to throw me in another lecture hall i was screaming and didn’t realize everyone could hear inside, then we walked in to our one and i everyone was looking i had to put my head down and scuttle to my seat. Got some cocobana on the way home for night out tonight, woo:)
My hair has blobs of candle wax all in it
Haydn thought it’d be cute and romantic to light a few candles, i fell asleep then woke up and my head was weirdly warm. He was like, don’t feel your hair right now….so i felt it naturally, and it was caked in hard wax. He’d knocked off a candle on my head when i was asleep, lol fucking boys.
Maths lessons used to be the best, me and Natalie used to sit in the back corner and the teacher was small and irish with the voice of a fucking banshee, never stopped screaming at this big fat black guy called Ali,he was the nicest guy ever but just so dippy and funny, but every 5 minutes she was screaming at him you’d be sitting there and you’d know it was coming ‘ALIIIIIIIIIIII’ aww i used to be collapsed on the table in tears from laughing. Or when we had to hold it in and i’d literally have to hold my nose and bite the insides of my mouth to stop myself laughing, then a little snort would slip out loool, ahhh don’t know why that even came to me but it makes me smile.
I keep putting off work for going out it’s so bad, i told my lecturer i missed my first assignment because i was sick, but now i’ve missed the second one and i was going to say my illness had progressed, but i came into class today with hearts still painted on my face from being cupid for halloween and she said i looked cute and now i can’t use that lie,fuck.
When you see people going through the same things you did, and you feel sort of helpless.I want to help you, but i just don’t know how because i was never able to help myself out of it. I know how easy it is to get hooked on the feelings, the buzz of it. But it’s so sad,because it’s you and you are worth so so so much more. Your personality is so rare, but it’ll be dampened if you choose to keep going with this. You’ll lose everyone who cares about you, it’s just how it goes. You lose so much more than you plan to. I hope you read this and realize it’s not a game, you have to make a decision about what you want from your life. I feel like a hypocrite, and i guess i am in a way but i know i’m losing you. You’re not going to change, you’ve started now and i know you won’t stop because it’s so easy to get hooked on the good feelings it gives you. But i love you, and i hope one day you’ll wake back up and tell me it was just a little rough patch. But still, in my heart i know it’s already started and i’ve already lost you.
Highlight of my day has to be earlier when one of the girls came home still slightly pissed, and she was openly discussing what she likes during sex. ‘I love being called a cunt, having my head banged against a wall..all of that’ Bradley’s facial expression at this point was absolutely priceless, loool i do actually love them.
Bradley was asking me the other night about why i’m insecure about how i look, and asked me to point out a specific thing i didn’t like about my appearance. I said i hated my thighs because they feel too fat,and he asked me to name someone with the perfect thighs- i said Victoria secret models, so he got up a picture of the victoria secret models and a picture of me. He put the two images together and showed me that there was no difference, in fact my thighs were slimmer than theirs. I hadn’t even realized that, i thought i was a lot bigger than i actually am.Little things like that are so nice, they make you feel so much better about yourself.
I’ve begun realizing things about myself which i hadn’t recognized before i came to university- specifically how increasingly anxious and restless I’ve become over time, i constantly fidget and move my hands. Biting my nails, or the skin around my nails…or pick my lips,smoke a cigarette or just pick at food even if i’m not hungry…i just can’t sit still.
And i also have noticed that i have a very strong inclination to say ‘i dunno’ rather than going into detail and expanding on whatever i’m talking about, i think i just worry about what i’m saying and the implications which will follow so rather than being able to finish what i’m saying, i just stop..Bradley’s always prompting me to continue he hates how i begin a story and never finish it, or suddenly say ‘i dunno’ or ‘but yeah’ just before the best bits, as he describes them haha.
I think it’s important to sort of self-reflect frequently, to learn about yourself. Before coming here i thought i had myself worked out quite well, but it’s only now that i realize there’s a lot of things i haven’t quite figured out, i still struggle to explain why i’m the way i am…all i know for certain is that i feel as if a multitude of different mindsets and people rolled into one, and ..i wish i could be a little less scattered and here there everywhere…but i don’t think i can do anything about that. Maybe i could work on my anxiety problems, because i am actually happy and have no reason not to be so i don’t see why i can’t just let go and relax.The way i look at it, I feel like …trying to understand myself is just one bit massive puzzle with one huge piece missing, and it’s that piece which would explain so so much. I know something long ago must have triggered things with me, because i wasn’t always such a worrier and i wasn’t always so restless and unpredictable. Or maybe it’s a piece which i still have to get, things i still have to learn..and then once i’ve done that everything will become a lot more clear and things will start falling into place.
I get addicted to things-certain foods,songs,people..then i get bored. I’d like to find something that i’d never tire of.
I’m feeling thoughtful.
Recently since i’ve been at university so much has happened, it’s been like one of those dreams you have where a million things all happened in one night and you wake up sort of mindfucked, like that. It’s been amazing, honestly i haven’t laughed so much in such a long time, i feel happy…content and just good i guess. My anxiety is still wavering now and then and i can feel myself getting worked up now and then, worrying about stuff that doesn’t really matter etc.but i have time to work on that i guess. When i’m feeling like that Brad seems to pick up on it quite quickly and talks to me, he always seems to be able to make me laugh when i’m feeling down. He’s very observant of me, and takes that time out to understand me, most people won’t be bothered because that’s just how humans are, it’s a time consuming task i suppose. But he seems to genuinely be bothered, and that’s nice i really recognize and appreciate that. The thing that i like the most is that there’s nothing romantic between is, it’s more of a special friendship where we look out for eachother.
One of two of my followers have messaged me over these first few weeks of uni saying that i’ve ‘changed’ and one anon even said i’d become a slut which did annoy me for abit, because that’s not the case at all. I’ve just been having a good time really, having a few drinks and dressing up that’s part of being young! I won’t ever apologize for living my life, god knows i deserve it after the year i’ve had.I think last year was one of the worst years of my life, and now i’m just happy to be in this place,physically and emotionally. I’m lying in bed at the moment eating some fruit and seeds just relaxing…it’s 3am i should probably sleep. I’m going shopping tomorrow for rugby socks …but my loan still hasn’t come through so i’m down to my last £20 and i need butter! haha, Jorge said he’d buy me some though so it’s cool.
I guess the main reason i’m writing this is because i just wanted to say to you guys that, i haven’t changed at all…i’m still the same girl with morals, self-respect and all that shabazz…just because you go out and have a good time doesn’t mean you’re sleeping around etc so please don’t get me wrong. But yeah, i’m going to go now so speak soon :)
I’m so excited, and when i’m excited i hate writing things down because i can’t type fast enough to keep up with what i’m thinking/trying to say. Love how i’m supposed to be doing an English course as well and i can’t even calm myself down enough to write coherently..this blob of text is going to have no structure, probably a gazillion spelling errors and no fluidity -there’s your heads up.
I’M GOING UNI TOMORROW, UNIVERSITY YAYBFHBHFF i’m going at 10am to get keeeeeeeys, i’ve been food shopping today, got all my food and i already have all my stuff like kitchen pots/pans, duvets,cushions,lamps candles iron etcc
i cannot wait to go out tomorrow stock up on some sweet cherry wine, some rhubarb and custard sweeties and sit out in my garden with a fag chatting to my housemates :) My first event is tomorrow night ahhhhh i don’t know what i’m going to wear because i’m so bloated from chinese food today.Me and some of my friends went on a roadtrip down to Bournemouth today and it was soo hot and sunny, just lying in the car with my feet out the window listening to music stuffing our face with haribo, smoking in the sun loveee it. On my last night in London it was just so good, got rounds and rounds of drinks all night people kept buying me drinks too so i ended up quite drunk but i wasn’t dead drunk surprisingly. Spoke to some people i really wanted to, said goodbye to everyone…never laughed in a night so much. So long London, time to start my new life now x
So i went into London today with my friend Nat, we’ve been friends for years and i love her. My head is pounding due to the excessive amount of sunshine God i need a paracetamol..but i hate taking pills.We went shopping, grabbed some ice-cream and briefly passed a tumblr meet up but didn’t end up going because the first people who approached us had a very arrogant air about them,i don’t think i could do that to myself lol.
But anyway it was a good day, i got a nose ring because i fancied a change from the stud. I also bought some new knicker and bra sets for university, lol that sounds slutty- i don’t mean it like that *eyeroll* haha, no i just needed them because i like to walk around half-naked and if i’m going to be doing this a lot in front of my housemates,i need less see-through underwear(99% of my lingerie draw). On a less positive note I’ve been feeling increasingly self-critical lately. I’m not happy with my body, i’m quite envious of taller girls…i just want to lose weight so i can be smaller. I feel too fussy, like i look too fussy. It’s ridiculous to think like this, i know, but i think when i’m worried or anxious it kind of reflects within my perception of myself. I just look at the people around me and think that they are so,so beautiful and it just heightens my own insecurities.
Everytime i look at you i think about how much you let me down. Can’t move on.
I know time doesn’t wait for anyone, and one day i might lose you and i’ll look back and wish that i’d have let go of past hurts, and moved forward. I know i’ll feel so guilty that our relationship became so strained,silent..angry,void.
I want to love you not for my sake, but for yours too. It kills me to think of you feeling regretful, even though i’m angry and maybe always will be- i still wish i didn’t feel like this, i wish i could love you and i mean that…she told me that you cried at night and told her that you knew i hated you, and i cried when she told me because i don’t want you to feel like that. After that, i tried harder to communicate with you, and ..i wanted to tell you so much that i do love you just to ease any pain you might feel…because i don’t hate you. I just hate the things that you done, and i hate the person you can be sometimes. Like an alter ego, and the nice side of you just seems so fake that it repels me away even further. It’s like you know you have to try extra hard to make up for all the pain and anguish you inflicted, all the times you let me down.
Everytime i look at you i remember the words you spat at me, i remember the violence…and the just nothingness in your eyes. No mercy. I remember having to be rescued from you by someone else, having to scream out for help. You were the person in my life who was supposed to protect me. I remember how you treated people that i loved, and i remember how we struggled because of your greed.
I remember jumping up on the table and dialing 999 because of you, i remember seeing you smash things up,throw plates, scream names. Punches. I remember your face, and your eyes. You were never there. You never protected me when i needed you to, you were either the person i needed protecting from or you turned a blind eye.
I wish i could love you, but i can’t. You let me down and as much as people tell me to move on and let go, i never will. I’d love to love you, but i can’t. You let me down.You let me down. You let me down.
I had a dream last night about bumping into that boy i like and he just grabbed me and kissed me in front of loads of people, it was so so cute. Then i woke up of course. I also dreamt i was at a party and there was loads of drunk girls with clothes missing„lying passed out and boys were looking at them so i was putting cushions over them and screaming ‘fuck off you creeps!’ to everyone looking at them ahaha so weird.
